I want to go home!” This common expression can be painful — and mystifying — to hear from someone who’s already home, whether in a longtime residence or a new care facility. But don’t take it literally.

“I want to go home” tends to be an expression of discomfort: The person doesn’t recognize where he or she is and/or is feeling distressed and uncomfortable. At this point in dementia, memories of the distant past are strongest and are often happy ones associated with good feelings. Wanting to go “home” is often an expression of longing for that security.

To soothe:

1.      It doesn’t help to argue. Offering up rational responses, such as “But you are home!” or “This is your home” are ineffective with someone with dementia because their intellectual capacity to reason is gone.

2.      Say something like, “You really miss home. Tell me about home.” Then just listen.

3.      Try being agreeable: “Okay, let’s go.” Take a drive around the area and when you get back to where you started, announce, “We’re home!”

4.      For someone who has moved a lot, ask, “Which home do you mean?” This may be enough to trigger reminisces that are calming.

5.      Don’t feel insulted. Adult children who have taken in a parent with dementia often feel that Mom or Dad is complaining that they haven’t been made to feel at home. It may be that your loved one is feeling uncomfortable or doesn’t have enough privacy, but that’s not the same as an indictment of your intent to welcome the person into your home.

6.      Don’t go out of your way to engineer a trip back to a former home or hometown. Taking the person to visit a past home usually doesn’t help because it’s not remembered. (Earlier in dementia this may work, but it may also be confusing if the person doesn’t quite remember the circumstances of leaving.)

7.      Realize that “home” may refer to childhood. Invite the person to talk about favorite activities or places “back home.”

8.      Try going “home” with photos: “We can’t go home today, but look at these pictures I found. They can help us plan a trip back there sometime.” Then distract with the images.

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About half of all falls happen at home. To make your home safer: Improve the lighting in your home. As you get older, you need brighter lights to see well. Lamp shades or frosted bulbs can reduce glare.

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About half of all falls happen at home. To make your home safer: Use non-slip mats in the bathtub and on shower floors.

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About half of all falls happen at home. To make your home safer: Have grab bars put in next to your toilet and in the tub or shower.

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Sure, our parents are aging. But while chronic illness and increased frailty take their toll on many, some are maintaining their independence, vitality, and mental acuity well into their eighties. Yet we still worry when these seemingly healthy parents forget their phone number or lose their car keys. So how can we differentiate the normative aspects of aging from disease?

My father was in his early seventies when he began showing signs of dementia. Though keenly intelligent, he had always been absent-minded— misplacing things, mixing up the names of his children, and growing agitated when events did not go as planned.

So it was no cause for alarm when he began to seem increasingly forgetful and disorganized: the emotionally wrenching search-and-rescue missions for his lost glasses were just business as usual. It was not until my father became disoriented on a short bike ride to the local grocer and was forced to call my mother to pick him up that we recognized something significant had changed. It was then that we made the decision to have my father undergo a medical evaluation for dementia.

For those of us caring for aging parents, we must balance concern for our parent’s welfare with respect for their autonomy and independence. In addition, we may live a distance from our loved ones and view changes through a magnifying lens.

How do you know if what you’re seeing is a true decline, versus a natural state of old age? These 6 warning signs will help you determine whether your parent is facing a medical problem or simply following the usual path of aging:

1.  Physical Changes: Are there gait changes, extreme weight fluctuations, or a decline in personal hygiene?

2.  Household Changes: Is there no food, old food or expired food in the fridge? Are there scratches or dents on the car?

3.  Mood Changes: Does your parent show signs of anxiety or depression? Depression is NOT a normal part of  aging —and it can be treated!

4.  Forgetfulness—out of the ordinary: Like my Dad, losing glasses was expected. A repeated pattern of forgetting pertinent events, however, may be cause for concern.

5.  Misuse of prescribed medications: Are there expired prescriptions? Can your parent remember what medication he or she is taking and when to take it? 

6.  Mishandling Finances: Are there unpaid bills, problems keeping track of expenses, signs of carelessness with money?

Once you recognize, like my family and I did, that the changes you are observing may be signs of dementia, a chronic illness, or increased frailty and dependence; it is time to communicate your concerns in a compassionate and clear manner. You can then take proactive steps to plan for the type of care that will give your parents the independence and well-being they deserve, while maintaining their safety and your peace of mind.

By Jody Gastfriend, LICSW

About half of all falls happen at home. To make your home safer: Keep items you use often in cabinets you can reach easily without using a step stool.

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To access the guide go to: www.blessingsforseniors.com  complete the Contact Us form and type “Veteran’s Benefits” in the comments box. The link to the guide will be emailed to you.

Or call 623-594-0819

Blessings! For Seniors Companion Care

Goodyear, AZ

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Blessings! For Seniors Companion Care offers helpful advice for making the holidays a relaxing and joyful time for, caregivers, family, and friends.

 The Alzheimer’s Association (www.alz.org) estimates that there are nearly 5.2 million people in the U.S. living with Alzheimer’s disease. For these millions of people and their families, friends, and caregivers, the holidays can be an especially stressful time. While special events, large gatherings, and a break in routine are typically enjoyed this time of year, these happenings can be very unsettling for people affected by Alzheimer’s disease, and Blessings! For Seniors (BFS) has developed several helpful tips for making sure the holidays are filled with comfort and joy for everyone.

BFS recommends keeping holiday décor simple. Large decorations and a lot of blinking lights can be distracting and upsetting for someone with Alzheimer’s. This is an important tip to remember when dressing the dinner table as well. Using solid tablecloths and dinnerware and limiting the number of glasses and utensils at place settings helps create an environment that is less distracting and confusing.

Limiting the number of guests at holiday gatherings is also helpful. More people usually means more noise, which is often unsettling to a person with Alzheimer’s. So keep guest lists to a minimum, and ask those who are in attendance to wear nametags and introduce themselves at each greeting.

Engaging loved ones with Alzheimer’s in quiet activities such as setting the dinner table or helping with gift wrapping is also a great way to ease anxiety while spending enjoyable time together. It helps to validate one’s sense of self when you engage your loved one in easy holiday preparations. Everyone likes to feel useful, and part of the occasion.

Although some break in routine is virtually unavoidable during the holidays, maintaining as much normalcy as possible, regardless of where the holidays are spent, is critical for loved ones with Alzheimer’s. Holidays can come with many disruptions, which can increase anxiety in someone with Alzheimer’s disease, so it’s important to stick to your day-to-day routine, such as getting up, eating meals, and going to bed at the same time.

Most importantly, BFS reminds caregivers, friends, and family members to support and rely on each other when it comes to meeting the needs of their loved one. Have holiday guests take turns sitting with your loved one or being responsible for the evening. It will free you up to socialize and relax. If family and friends are not available, consider hiring a caregiver or getting a volunteer to help out. No matter what, enjoy your holiday season with your loved one. He or she might not know all your guests or understand completely what all the fuss is about, but they will feel the love and connection of the season.

 There is hope for the future and help for today. For more information contact our local Alzheimer’s Association Office in Phoenix, AZ at 602-528-0545 or their 24 Hour Helpline at 1-800-272-3900.

Blessings! For Seniors Companion Care 623-594-0819

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About half of all falls happen at home. To make your home safer: Remove small throw rugs or use double-sided tape to keep the rugs from slipping.

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About half of all falls happen at home. To make your home safer: Remove things you can trip over (such as papers, books, clothes, and shoes) from stairs and places where you walk.

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